The Weakness in Me: Songfic
by trinchardin
Summary: Shan Chai's thoughts on Lei.


Title: The Weakness in Me [Songfic]  
  
Author: trin_chardin  
  
Summary: Shan Chai's thoughts on Lei.  
  
Categories: Angst  
  
Author's Notes: Alas, it seems I've been bitten by the Meteor Garden bug. This story is based on the television show adaptation, rather than the manga. It's also my first fic for this fandom. Something just asked me to write this when I thought about this song in particular.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the plot or characters of Meteor Garden/Hana Yori Dango. This is not written for profit. I also have no claim on Joan Armatrading's song, "The Weakness in Me".  
  
*****  
  
The Weakness in Me  
  
*****  
  
I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love   
  
But to you, I gave my affection, right from the start.   
  
I have a lover who loves me - how could I break such a heart?   
  
Yet still you get my attention.  
  
*****  
  
I think it started the first time we met. Dao Ming Si had kicked aside a basket of balls and you had stayed behind to set it upright. I caught your eye then, and a warm feeling rushed through me. I felt my cheeks flush, but I couldn't make myself look away. Even then, something drew me to you. And after that, I couldn't let you go. It was only when you kissed me at the beach that I reluctantly eased my grip. I found your kiss bittersweet, a taste of what I wanted yet could not have. You still belonged to Jing then.  
  
So, I let Dao Ming Si wear me down with his childish persistence. Despite his pigheadedness and habit for bullying others, I know he loves me. Like some modern day Romeo, he has sworn more than once to give up family and fortune for me. He has defied his mother...starved himself...allowed himself to be beaten up...and beaten up others, in turn... All for me. Behind his arrogance is a gentle heart, and he has shoved it into my hands, regardless of whether I wanted it or not. And in the end, I could not refuse him.   
  
*****  
  
Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough?   
  
Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone?   
  
And make me lie when I don't want to,   
  
And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool?   
  
Make me stay when I should not?   
  
If you're so strong then resolve the weakness in me.   
  
Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by?   
  
I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly.  
  
*****  
  
Yet, you have always been at the back of my mind. After you returned from France heart-broken, I could not deny you my comfort. I was already starting to give in to Dao Ming Si, but when you arrived at the bar, something inside me stirred in remembrance. So, I stayed with you that night at the beach even though I knew I should have gone back to Dao Ming Si at the hotel. And when I returned to reassure him I was fine, I lied to his face and said I'd been alone.   
  
Even now, it's the same. I've told him I love him, and yet I still think of you. I let you cry on my shoulder once, and now you insist on returning the favor. Whenever Dao Ming Si and I fight or when the obstacles between us are too much, you come even without a word from me. Somehow you know just when to offer me your shoulder. We don't always stay on the roof that has become our fortress. Sometimes, we sit at a cafe or under a tree at school. Then, you listen to my problems, when ironically enough, you are one of them. Why can't you stay away from me? ...And why can't I stand the idea of you doing so? After being offered the world, why do I want more?   
  
*****  
  
Feeling guilty,   
  
And I'm worried, and I'm waking from a tormented sleep   
  
'Cause this old love, you know it has me bound,   
  
But this new love cuts so deep.   
  
If I choose now, I'm bound to lose out;   
  
One of you is gonna have to fall...   
  
I need you, baby.  
  
*****   
  
Maybe I was just infatuated with you at first. The magnetism of an enigma. But, I've seen what's behind the mask now, and I've pried it off. I've made you care about other people, not just me. We're friends, yet I wonder if you want more now. I know I do. It's so hard for me not to love you. So far out in the shadows, yet I just have to look for you and you're there at my side. You always know the right thing to say or do. And you make me laugh as he makes me cry. You even taught me how to stop myself from crying...though you politely turn away when you know I cannot hold back my tears.  
  
How is it that the two of you are exact opposites and yet, I love you both? For I cannot leave him any more than I can shut you out. It is selfish of me to think that I can just turn from one to the other. Even more foolish of me to consider when I know you are the best of friends. Still, I know I have to choose and I wonder which is worse. Losing a love so sure, or giving up one which could be so much greater. 


End file.
